
- [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]
- Ross: And here’s little Ben nodding off…
- Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica’s little boy!
- Phoebe: Oh, look, he’s got Ross’s haircut!
- Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
- (Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)
- Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.
- (Chandler, annoyed with Ross’s fawning, makes a ‘pfft’ noise.)
- Rachel: Pardon?
- Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)
- (Joey is looking at his check.)
- Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I’ll pay you back.
- Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK… inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me… 17 jillion dollars.
- Joey: I will, really. I’ll pay you back this time.
- Chandler: (sigh)… And where’s this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)
- Joey: Well… I’m helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some… research.
- Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?
- Joey: Oh, just, y’know…. science.
- Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I’ve heard of that. (everyone’s interest is piqued, they all look over)
- Joey: (sigh)… It’s a fertility study.
- (Rachel laughs.)
- Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you’re only donating your time.
- Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it’s not that big a deal. Really… I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
- Ross: Hey.
- Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you’re gonna be making money hand over fist!
- Opening Credits
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel’s birthday.]
- Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns…
- Phoebe: We’ve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew… (hands meat to Monica)
- (Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)
- Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.
- Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
- Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
- Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!
- Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she’s gonna be late.
- Joey: Oh, OK.
- Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?
- Joey: I don’t know, she’s, uh…. she’s pretty great.
- Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
- Joey: What, you think I’m gonna tell a girl I like that I’m also seeing a cup?
- Monica: Man’s got a point.
- Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
- Chandler: Crazy bitch.
- Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I’m not allowed to conduct any… ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
- Monica: Joey… we always know what you mean.
- [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]
- Phoebe: Hey.
- Monica: Hey.
- Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)
- Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
- Ross: I’m going to China.
- Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and…
- Monica: You’re going to China?
- Ross: Yeah, i-it’s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don’t want us to have the bone, so I’m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it’s—it’s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I’m gonna be gone for like, uh… like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can’t. So here’s my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um… here’s a picture of me… (hands it to Monica)
- Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)
- Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol’s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn’t forget me?
- Monica: Yeah.
- (Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)
- Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I’m your father. I am… the head. Aaaaaahhhh…. (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
- Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
- Monica: Oh no, she’s out having drinks with Carl.
- Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who’s Carl?
- Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
- Ross: No.
- Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there’s this guy she met at the…
- Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.
- Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.
- Ross: OK, I’m gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
- Phoebe: Oh, hey, y’know what? Tell them that bone story.
- (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
- Ross: Hi.
- Joey: Hey!
- Chandler: Hey!
- Ross: (sigh)….I have to go to China.
- Joey: The country?
- Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom’s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
- Chandler: Uh, let’s see… Alvin… Simon… Theodore…. no.
- Ross: Well, Rachel’s having drinks with him tonight.
- Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she’s never shown any interest in you?!?
- Chandler: Forget about her.
- Joey: He’s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
- Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.
- Ross: Yeah… I guess. I don’t—I don’t know. Alright, just… just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
- Joey: Listen, buddy, we’re just looking out for you.
- Ross: I know.
- Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but… I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)
- Chandler: I’m still on my first. I just think you’re nice.
- [Time lapse. Melanie, Joey’s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
- Melanie: Anyway, that’s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ‘The Three Basketeers.’
- Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
- Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey’s stupidity)
- Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
- Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)
- (Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
- Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How’s it going? How you holding up?
- Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we’re gonna… complete the transaction, if you know what I…
- (Monica rolls her eyes.)
- Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.
- Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
- Joey: What do you mean?
- Monica: Y’know, just be there for her.
- (Long pause… Joey looks confused.)
- Joey: Not following you.
- Monica: Think about it.
- (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)
- Rachel: OK, I’m guessing this is from…
- (Melanie smiles.)
- Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.
- Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.
- Rachel: (picks it up) OK… ah, it’s light… (shakes it)…it rattles… it’s… (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
- (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)
- Rachel: This one’s from Joey… feels like a book. Thinks it’s a book… feels like a book. And…(opens it)…it’s a book!
- Phoebe: Oh, it’s Dr. Seuss!
- Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.
- Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
- Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.
- (Rachel picks up the next gift.)
- Rachel: Who’s this from?
- Chandler: Oh, that’s Ross’s.
- Rachel: Oh… (opens it)… (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
- Phoebe: Remembered what?
- Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can’t believe he remembered!
- Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
- Phoebe: Oh, it’s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
- Monica: I can’t believe he did this.
- Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
- (Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross’s crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)
- Rachel: What did you just say?
- Chandler: (panicked) ahem… um… Crystal duck.
- Rachel: No, no, no…. the, um, the… ‘love’ part?
- Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah…. flennin….
- Rachel: Oh…. my God.
- Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no….
- Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That’s good, just keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.
- Commercial Break
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, continued from earlier.]
- Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
- Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
- Chandler: No it’s not. It’s small. It’s tiny. It’s petite. It’s wee.
- Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don’t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
- Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
- Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
- Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just… (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
- Joey: Well, given that he’s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn’t mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
- Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I’ve got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)
- Chandler: (quickly) H-He’s in China!
- Joey: The country.
- Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross’s itinerary) His flight doesn’t leave for another forty-five more minutes.
- Chandler: What about the time difference?
- Monica: From here to the airport?
- Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You’re never gonna make it!
- Monica: Rachel, what’re you gonna say to him?
- Rachel: I-I-I don’t know.
- Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn’t go.
- Joey: He’s right, cause if you’re just gonna, like, break his heart, that’s the kind of thing that can wait.
- Monica: Yeah, but if it’s good news, you should tell him now.
- Rachel: I don’t know. Maybe I’ll know when I see him.
- Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?
- (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)
- Rachel: Noooo… look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y’know, I just, I’ve just gotta talk to him. I… I gotta… OK, I’ll see you later. (opens door)
- Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)
- [Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ‘How To Speak Chinese’ tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
- Ross: (something in Chinese)
- Flight Attendant: Alright!
- Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)
- (Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)
- Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me….
- (Rachel gets up to the jetway.)
- Flight Attendant: Hi!
- Rachel: Hi.
- Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?
- Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don’t have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
- Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I’m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
- Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He’s right there, he’s got the blue jacket on, I… can I j-just…
- Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!
- Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um… then could you please, uh… just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.
- Flight Attendant: Alright. What’s the message?
- Rachel: Uh… I don’t know.
- [Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
- Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh… I have a message for you.
- Man: (confused) What?
- Flight Attendant: It’s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.
- Man: (to wife) Toby… Oh, for God’s sake, I don’t know what she’s talking about! There’s no Rachel! Don’t give me that deep freeze.
- [Scene: Joey’s Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]
- Melanie: Mmmmmm… Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey… I think I blacked out there for a minute!
- Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin’.
- Melanie: Well, now we’ve gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)
- Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y’know what? Forget about me. Let’s, uh… let’s give you another turn.
- Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?
- Joey: Sure! Why not?
- Melanie: Boy, somebody’s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
- (Joey starts to kiss her.)
- Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you… you are nothing like I thought you would be.
- Joey: How do you mean?
- Melanie: I don’t know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who’re always ‘me, me, me.’ But you… you’re a giver. You’re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean… you’re practically a woman.
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel’s gifts.]
- Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh… do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it’s only a little bit torn… so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
- Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know… I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back… and, uh, oh, you guys, y’know, it’s Ross. Y’know what I mean? I mean, it’s Ross.
- Monica and Phoebe: Sure.
- Rachel: I don’t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling… but I’m thinking… oh, I’m thinking it’d be really great.
- Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we’d be like friends-in-law! Y’know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it’s like starting on the fifteenth date!
- Phoebe: Yeah, but, y’know, it’s… it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
- Monica: Another good point.
- Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you’re at the fifteenth date, y’know, you’re already in a very relationshippy place. Y’know, it’s… you’re committed.
- Rachel: (confused) Huh?
- Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn’t work out?
- Monica: Why isn’t it working out?
- Rachel: I don’t know… sometimes it doesn’t.
- Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?
- Rachel: No!
- Monica: Does he not make enough money?
- Rachel: No, I’m just….
- Phoebe: Maybe there’s someone else.
- Rachel: Wha…
- Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?
- Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!
- Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?
- [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]
- Chandler: Hey, big…
- Joey: Shhhh!
- Chandler: (quietly) …spender.
- Joey: She’s still asleep.
- Chandler: So how’d it go?
- Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you’re great in bed?
- Chandler: The fact that you’d even ask that question shows how little you know me.
- Joey: Well, it’s like, last night, I couldn’t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got… man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
- Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
- Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her… uh-uh. For me, too. It’s like, all of a sudden, I’m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y’know? It’s like… I was able to appreciate it on another level.
- Chandler: I didn’t know you had another level.
- Joey: I know! Neither did I!
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]
- Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
- Rachel: Yeah.
- Monica: Oh, from who?
- Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
- Monica: Well, it’s the thought. Hey, doesn’t Ross’s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
- Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y’know, honey, I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided this—this whole Ross thing, it’s just not a good idea.
- Monica: Oh, why?
- Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn’t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don’t wanna…
- Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
- Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you’re already so…
- Monica: I am not ‘so’! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but… I’ll be good. I promise.
- (Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)
- Rachel: Who is it?
- Intercom: It’s me, Carl.
- Rachel: C’mon up.
- Monica: Behind my brother’s back? (Rachel glares at her) … is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won’t be hearing from me.
- [Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]
- Joey: Seven hundred bucks!
- Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?
- Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y’know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
- Chandler: Really? So, you’re gonna stick with this ‘it’s all for her’ thing?
- Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
- Carl: I’m just sayin’, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I’m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don’t get me wrong… I’m not against environmental issues per se…. it’s just that guy!
- (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel’s imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)
- Ross: I can’t believe you’d rather go out with him than me.
- Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I’m trying to have a date here.
- Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.
- (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)
- Ross: Can’t do it, can you?
- Rachel: So I’m thinking about you. So what?
- Ross: I don’t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
- Rachel: Well… he happens to be a very nice… guy….
- Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
- Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
- Rachel: Ross, it’s too hard.
- Ross: No, no, no… why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I’ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
- Rachel: Ross, you’re like my best friend.
- Ross: I know.
- Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you…
- Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we’re gonna break up?
- Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven’t broken up?
- Ross: (pause) No. But… it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean… so, the only question is… are you attracted to me?
- Rachel: I don’t know… I mean, I’ve never looked at you that way before.
- Ross: Well, start looking.
- (They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)
- Rachel: Wow.
- Carl: Exactly! And you just know I’m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
- Rachel: Right! You’re right!
- Carl: Heh… y’know?
- Rachel: You know what?
- Carl: What?
- Rachel: I forgot… I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I’m so… if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do…. (gives him her drink) I mean—I’m sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I’m sorry.
- (Rachel leaves.)
- Carl: But…
- [Scene: Airport. Madonna’s Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]
- Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
- [Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel’s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
- Man: For God’s sake, will you let it go? There’s no Rachel!
- (A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)
- Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
- (Ross picks up the bag… then he and the woman kiss.)
- Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
- Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
- Julie: Really?
- Ross: Yeah.
- Julie: You don’t think they’ll judge and ridicule me?
- Ross: No, no, they will. I just… uh…
- Ross and Julie: Can’t wait.
- Ross: Come on, they’re gonna love you.
- [Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross’s arrival… not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]
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