
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, everyone is looking at papers.]
- Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?
- Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!
- Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
- Monica: I know. It’s just such reckless spending.
- Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they’ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
- Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
- Monica: That’s me.
- Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he’s doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)
- Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel’s room) come here, Marcel-
- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I’ll get him.
- Monica: Ross, you’ve got to do something about the humping.
- Ross: What? It’s, it’s just a phase.
- Chandler: Well, that’s what we said about Joey…
- Ross: Would you all relax? It’s not that big a deal.
- Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!
- Ross: What?
- Rachel: Let’s just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
- Opening Credits
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]
- Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.
- Monica: This woman’s living my life.
- Rachel: What?
- Monica: She’s living my life, and she’s doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I’m intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.
- Rachel: You’re not an artist.
- Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don’t.
- Rachel: Oh, Monica, c’mon, you do cool things.
- Monica: Oh really? Okay, let’s compare, shall we.
- Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it’s so late for ‘Shall we’…
- Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?
- Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo…
- Monica: This is so unfair! She’s got everything I want, and she doesn’t have my mother.
- [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]
- Chandler: How about Joey… Pepponi?
- Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that’s more neutral.
- Chandler: Joey… Switzerland?
- (The waitress brings their coffee.)
- Joey: Plus, y’know, I think it should be Joe. Y’know, Joey makes me sound like I’m, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I’m not.
- Chandler: Joe…Joe…Joe…Stalin?
- Joey: Stalin…Stalin…do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
- Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me…
- Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y’know, that’s pretty good.
- Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
- (Joey visibly thinks ‘Of course!’ and writes it down.)
- Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you’d remember that!
- Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
- Rachel: Hey.
- Phoebe: Hey.
- Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I’m taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.
- Phoebe: What are you doing?
- Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I’m going to tap class.
- Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?
- Monica: This woman’s got my life, I should get to see who she is.
- Rachel: Go to the post office! I’m sure her picture’s up! …Okay, Monica, y’know what, honey, you’re kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
- Phoebe: This is madness. It’s madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don’t do it!! …Thank you.
- [Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]
- Monica: What d’you think?
- Phoebe: Lotsa things.
- (They go in and sit down.)
- Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
- (The teacher comes up to them.)
- Teacher: May I help you?
- Monica: Oh, no thanks, we’re just here to observe.
- Teacher: You don’t observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
- Rachel: What does she mean?
- Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) ‘You dance a dance class’. Oh, c’mon, c’mon. (They put on some spare shoes)
- Monica: Okay, d’y’see anybody you think could be me?
- Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let’s not have that happen again!
- Rachel: She could be you.
- (Music starts)
- Teacher: Let’s get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight…
- (Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)
- Monica: Okay, I’m not getting this!
- Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I’m totally getting it!
- Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
- (Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)
- Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
- Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
- (The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)
- Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I’m with Rachel.
- Monica: Great. It’s gym class all over again.
- Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
- Teacher: Well that’s all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
- Monica: Why don’t I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
- (She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
- Woman: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here. Sorry I’m late, okay, here I am. Who’s the new tense girl?
- Teacher: She’s your partner.
- Woman: Hi. I’m Monica.
- Monica: Oh. Monica! …Hi. I’m Mo- …nana.
- Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?
- Monica: Yeah. It’s Dutch.
- Fake Monica: You’re kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)
- Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
- Teacher: And we’re dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight…
- [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]
- Ross: (Mortified) Hi.
- Chandler and Joey: Hey.
- Joey: Where’ve you been?
- Ross: At the vet.
- Chandler: She’s not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
- Ross: She says Marcel’s humping thing’s not a phase. Apparently he’s reached sexual maturity.
- Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
- Ross: She says as time goes on, he’s gonna start getting agressive and violent.
- Chandler: So what does this mean?
- Ross: I’m gonna have to give him up.
- Commercial Break
- [Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]
- Joey: I can’t believe it, Ross. This sucks!
- Chandler: I don’t get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
- Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he’s this little thing, and before you know it, he’s this little thing I can’t get off my leg.
- Joey: Isn’t there any way you can keep him?
- Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he’s in a place where he has regular access to some… monkey lovin,’ he’s just gonna get vicious. I’ve just gotta get him into a zoo.
- Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
- Chandler: I know that one! …No, that’s Popes into a Volkswagen.
- Ross: Well, we’re applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y’know, like, uh, San Diego… right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y’know, he’s out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that’s a possibility.
- Chandler: Yeah, but that’s like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it’s a total party zoo.
- (Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)
- Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
- Chandler: What?
- Joey: Did you call the cops?
- Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.
- Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
- Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She’s a stealer.
- Monica: Y’know what? After you’re with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.
- Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
- Chandler: …Take off their hats!
- Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! …I love that joke.
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]
- Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.
- Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
- Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
- Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we’re, y’know, short and have breasts…
- Monica: …They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
- Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don’t know. Don’t wait up. (Exits)
- Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we’re auditioning for a Broadway show.
- Monica: ‘Scuse me?
- Fake Monica: There’s an open call for Cats. I’m thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
- Monica: Nononononono. Think who you’re dealing with here. I mean, I’m not like you. I-I can’t even stand in front of a tap class.
- Fake Monica: Well, that’s just probably ’cause of your Amish background.
- Monica: What?
- Fake Monica: Well, you’re Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
- Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
- Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets’ Society?
- Monica: Uh-huh.
- Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly… boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can’t be in the play? What was that?! It’s like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, ‘Now, that’s two hours of my life that I’m never getting back.’ And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
- Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, tiem lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]
- Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn’t get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don’t know who this is harder on, me or him.
- Phoebe: I’d say that chair’s taking the brunt.
- Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?
- Rachel: Oh, somebody will.
- Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
- Chandler: You’re kidding.
- Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You’d think you would’ve known that!
- Chandler: Y’know, you’d think I would’ve.
- Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?
- Phoebe: …Flame Boy.
- [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]
- Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?
- Dr. Baldhara: Well, it’s technically not a zoo per se, it’s more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?
- Ross: Yes.
- Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?
- Ross: No-no, he’s, he’s very docile.
- Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were… cornered?
- Ross: Well I, I don’t know. Why?
- Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?
- Ross: He can hold a banana, if that’s whatcha mean…
- Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?
- Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?
- Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he’s up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you’ve got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it’s just cruel.
- (Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
- Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.
- Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing…
- Chandler: …He’s in.
- Ross: He’s in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!
- Dr. Baldhara: You’re making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego’s all well and good, but if you give him to me, I’ll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
- [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]
- Monica: Yo- hooo!
- Rachel: Where the hell’ve you been?
- Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
- Rachel: Are you drunk?!
- Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I’m lying. I am so drunk.
- Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y’know what, you could’ve called, I have been up here, I’ve been worried…
- (Monica is drinking from the tap)
- Rachel: Monica? Monica!
- Monica: Water rules!
- Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you’re gonna be showing up for work?
- Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
- Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You’re gonna lose your job! This is not you!
- Monica: No, it is me! Y’know, I’m not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y’know, when I’m with her, I am so much more than that. I’m- I’m Monana!
- (The phone rings and Rachel answers)
- Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it’s for you, the credit card people.
- Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
- Rachel: What?
- Monica: They’ve arrested Monica.
- [Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]
- Monica: Hi.
- Fake Monica: Hey.
- Monica: How are you?
- Fake Monica: I’m not too bad. Fortunately, blue’s my colour. How-how did you know I was here?
- Monica: Because… I’m Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.
- Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.
- Monica: I want you to know, it wasn’t me who turned you in.
- Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.
- Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn’t for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!
- Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing ‘Memo-‘.
- Monica: I just can’t believe you’re in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who’s gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who’s gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
- Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you’re worried about who’s gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
- Monica: Well, not… worried, just… wondering.
- Fake Monica: There’s nothing to wonder about, Monica. You’re gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that’s who you are.
- Monica: Not necessarily…
- Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it’s the Amish thing.
- Monica: Um, I’m not actually Amish.
- Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?
- [Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]
- Teacher: You by the door. In or out?
- Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)
- Teacher: You in the back, you’re getting it all wrong!
- Monica: Yeah, but at least I’m doing it!
- [Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]
- PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
- Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don’t eat it ’till you get on the plane.
- Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
- Phoebe: Oh!
- Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there’s gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there’s also a lot to learn.
- Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it’s a monkey.
- Ross: Just, just say what you feel.
- Joey: Marcel, I’m hungry.
- Ross: That was good.
- Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It’s, uh, just, y’know, something to, um, do on the plane.
- Ross: Uh, if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment, just me and him.
- All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)
- Ross: Marcel, c’mere, c’mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There’s just a coupla things I want to say. I’m really gonna miss you, and I’m never gonna forget about you. You’ve been more than just a pet to me, you’ve been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.
- (Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)
- Closing Credits
- [Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]
- Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might… touch thy cheek…
- Casting Director No. 1: That’s fine, thank you.
- Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
- Joey: Hi, uh, I’ll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
- Casting Director No. 2: Name?
- Joey: Holden McGroin.
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